If Operating Systems Were Stores

I posted this a long time ago on 2guysamacandawebsite.com. I thought it was funny at the time and hope you guys might get a kick out of it.

Yes, that’s right, your favorite software company is opening a store that looks and feels the same way their OS does. Hum, what would it be like?

DOS Warehouse – A nondescript warehouse in the “bad part” of town there is one customer service representative, but he only speaks broken English. You have to find everything yourself and that can be difficult because the entire warehouse is lit by three 40 watt light bulbs. The prices are decent and everything laid out in a fairly orderly manner but all of the merchandise is at least 20 years old. Only the oddest of folks still shop here.

Win World 95 – Cheap but large selection of merchandise and millions of locations worldwide, unfortunately they have odd and annoying business practices. For example they tend to stock the lighters right beside the gasoline and the guns right beside the antidepressants. Periodically when you try and pay with your VISA card all of the store employees will pull out bats and beat you within an inch of your life. Also, once a day somewhere a store burns completely to the ground, no one knows why. Business once was very strong but now few people come here.

Win World 98 – Many 95 stores were remodeled into 98 stores (it mainly involved repainting the building and giving the employees nightsticks). The wide variety of goods along with the decent price continued to be selling points. Though oddly enough for some reason people just adapted to shelves that broke killing hundreds of customers at a time. In spite of better stores many people can be found who still shop here because “it’s what they know”. They don’t want to risk going to a new store where they don’t know all of the attack dogs.

Win World ME – This was a store designed by a blind gay masochistic schizophrenic. Doors opened into walls, some lights are blue, some are red and some arc electricity at you in hopes of killing you. The carpet in the clothing department was decorated with those optical illusions that make you want to puke if you look at them for too long. The floor in the hardware department was polished bronze coated with Vaseline. Periodically shoppers would fall to their deaths due to hidden trap doors located throughout the store. The employees would no longer beat you with sticks but they would set your car on fire and then rape you if you weren’t fast enough to make it to the door. Repeat business was not good. Win World eventually closed these stores after just a few months of operation and burned the empty buildings down just to be safe.

Win World XP – These stores tend to range in size from “small cites” to “small countries”. Almost everything in the world can be found in an XP store though it can be rather difficult to find due to its size. The main downside to XP stores is the rampant crime level. While in the store if the pickpockets don’t get your wallet then the employees themselves might club you to death and steal the fillings out of your teeth. If you should make it out of the store alive then you have a chance of trying to find what is left of your car. That is assuming the car thieves didn’t just steal it outright and instead chose to just strip it to the primer. You can hire robotic guards to protect your car but sometimes the crooks just put the guards in the car and steal both.

Win World Longhorn – This store hasn’t opened yet but Win World Inc. has been promising for the last five years that any day now it will fling open its doors to throngs of adoring shoppers. They keep trying to open their main flagship store in Redmond but every time they think they have it ready it crashes back into rubble. This is due to several fundamental problems with their contractors. For instance, they first tried building the four square mile foundation out of rubber on a major fault line. Next they tried glass walls and cement ceilings. Soon we moved on to fixed product displays and moving floors. After that someone decided to install flood lights in the walls. Great idea but they put in 50,000 watt bulbs which flash fried all of the beta shoppers. They have been trying to rework their new concept store for years and are still no closer to building it.

Mac Classic Center – Mac Centers tend to be brightly lit, colorful and quiet places to buy artwork and other upscale amenities. All of the employees look the same because they are all clones. Everyone knows you by name and the store gives you a personal assistant to help you shop. Unfortunately high prices and a small selection have prevented wide acceptance of these particular chain of stores.

OS X Unlimited – Frank Lloyd Wright personally designed each sales center, as a result they are considered works of art in addition to stores. The Unlimited stores have been gain popularity recently for their wide selection, low prices, friendly personnel and intuitive layout of products. Open 24 hours a day 365 days a year it’s getting harder and harder to find items not sold in these new brand of stores. To the everlasting amusement of its employees the Win World XP stores across the street tends to try and copy Unlimited’s business practices, often with disastrous results, such as Unlimited’s product-finder. It has a telepathic interface and can project images of the desired item directly onto the cornea of the customers. The XP version tends to overload periodically and either turn the shopper into a vegetable or blind them permanently. Oddly enough no one ever believes that Unlimited comes out with these features first. Oh well.

UNIX Depot – This was originally an enormous factory that was converted (mostly) into a retail center. It is made entirely of steel and concrete. The walls, floor, doors, stands, racks, employees and most of their products are painted gun metal gray. Only serious customers shop here. This is the only store in which you can walk in and buy off the shelf an aircraft carrier, hydrogen bomb, division of infantry, communications satellite and refinery but not find a candy bar. The sales associates can tell you detailed specs of every part of every product they sell, but they refuse to smile while doing so.

Linux Outlet – This is more of a roving collection of gypsy tents than a store per se. People come and go and buy, sell and trade a wide variety of things. However, sometimes it can be hit and miss. For instance they will have 50,000 different types of T-shirts but only four different types of coats. Many things are given away free. You can get a brand new car for $5 the only downside is the manual cost $30,000. There are no sales people, rather if you need help you must try and find the owner of the tent you are in. On the upside you can always count on random people coming over to help you or give their opinions on a product. Though on the downside you never know if they have any idea what they are talking about but free is free I suppose.